


no matter what i do (i don't deserve you)

by hyuckshine



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Hurt/Comfort, Mentioned Dong Si Cheng | WinWin, Mentioned Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-19 14:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18137021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckshine/pseuds/hyuckshine
Summary: he needed this. for himself and for the team.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please do not read this is this will trigger you there are plenty of amazing fics on this site but please, if this will hurt you, please leave

He knew what he was doing, but he could not find it in himself to stop. 

He needed this.

 

Taeyong woke up to the sounds of his bandmates chatter coming from the kitchen. He groaned, feeling his joints crack as he stretched in bed, when he heard a knock at the door. Donghyuck bounded in, shouting for his Taeyong hyung to, “get his grandad ass out of bed.” Taeyong smiled, as much of a brat that kid was, he was extremely fond of him. Eventually, Taeyong climbed out of bed (after having to sit back down again because he was too light headed) and grabbing the hoodie from the end of his bed to protect him from the cold March air. 

Only Donghyuck, Johnny and Yuta were in the kitchen when Taeyong walked in, all smiling and murmuring good morning's to Taeyong. Donghyuck was attached to Johnny's side at the table, as the elder drank his coffee, while Yuta was leaning on the kitchen counter, drinking the same bitter drink. Taeyong shuffled over to the cupboard to get himself a glass, turning to the sink to fill it with water. He always found that this worked better for him than coffee, and it would stop his stomach rumbling for a few hours. 

They were scheduled in for a long day, with a show, a photoshoot, 2 interviews, and a 3 and a half hour long practice. Taeyong smiled to himself as he realized there wasn't a clear break for eating, meaning he could potentially get through another day without eating. He wasn't sure how or why he felt the need to severely decrease the amount of food he ate to almost nothing. It had just been this way for so long now. Maybe he thought he would be more liked, if he was thinner, tired of random people on the internet constantly jumping down his throat for nothing. Maybe it was a punishment, tired of the mistakes he felt he just continued to make. Taeyong was so tired of this stupid diet, but he had to do it. For his team.

Comebacks were always the worst time, Taeyong found. Relapsing into his dangerous habits was made easier by the tight schedules and the exhaustion that loomed over the group, everyone barely being able to pay attention to themselves. Taeyong knew this wasn't normal, but others probably had it worse, so why should he complain?

The music show came and went, Taeyong only having to take a short toilet break when the faintness increased. He composed himself and quickly dashed back to the stage, ignoring any concerned looks his members threw his way. The first interview was easier, but still challenging when you can physically feel all your energy leaving your body. On their way to the 2nd interview, Taeyong’s stomach growled hard in the car, the few members who weren't asleep or listening to music casting worried eyes over Taeyong’s frail body. They wanted to step in and ask if everything was ok, but they just assumed it was because they were in the middle of a comeback. Donghyuck offered Taeyong a snack bar, but Taeyong shook his head.

The interview passed quickly, Taeyong berating himself for focussing more on how tired and lethargic he felt rather than the questions they were being asked. He thanked the Gods for Johnny, who seemingly understood this fatigue and willingly carried the interview on his back. Maybe it was better, Taeyong thought, to let his member's shine, instead of his annoying ass.

If there was one schedule Taeyong disliked the most, it would definitely be photoshoots. He hated the staring and critiquing of his body as he tried his best to do what was required of him. As he was changing his outfit, shorts and a t-shirt (something Taeyong would normally avoid wearing at all costs), Taeil walked in. Just as he was quickly apologising and walking out, he caught a glimpse of how bony and thin the younger had grown, and as he closed the door he sighed. He couldn't let this go on. He would try and talk to Taeyong after practice tonight. 

Taeyong’s eyes widen as he realizes one of his members saw him (partially) undressed. He felt his breathing quicken as his mind spiralled into thoughts about how fat and disgusting he looked. Breathe, he thought, save this for later.

Donghyuck and Taeyong were partnered up for the shoot. Taeyong smiled at the younger, always one to lift spirits and make any negative emotions go away. Taeyong wondered why this didn't work with his ever increasing feelings of worthlessness. A thought for another time.

The pair worked well together, Taeyong for the first time in ages feeling calm at a photoshoot. Donghyuck was so professional, despite the silly comments he would sometimes mutter into Taeyong’s ear. The atmosphere soon changed when the photographer said to Donghyuck, “Turn this way a little more, let's not make it as obvious how big your thighs are.” He chuckled, thinking he was hilarious, ignoring Donghyuck shying into himself and Taeyong’s hard glare. All Taeyong could do then was stroke Donghyuck's arm and murmur gentle encouragements into the younger’s ear.

Once they were both finished, Taeyong found them an empty sofa, pulling the now extremely quiet boy into his arms as they sat down. He rocked Donghyuck as you would a baby, just wanting to soothe the now sniffling boy. After a few minutes, Donghyuck pulled himself out of Taeyong’s arms and took a deep breath. 

“Sorry you had to deal with me, hyung.” 

Taeyong shook his head. “Don't apologise, what he said wasn't true, and even if it was, what good would a normal person get from bringing it up? I can hear your little head swirling right now, but please don't believe him, Hyuck. You are wonderful just how you are, and none of us want you to change.” Donghyuck smiled, reaching in to hug Taeyong again, frowning when he realised how small his hyung was. 

The pair joined the other's for their rushed lunch, Donghyuck not missing how little Taeyong had on his plate, and even less went into his mouth, Taeyong just moving the food around his plate with his chopsticks as he animatedly spoke to Winwin about a new game coming out. Why was Taeyong hyung doing this to himself, Donghyuck thought. 

 

The day was nearly over but with a 3 and a half hour long dance practice looming over him, Taeyong wasn't sure how much more his body could take. He knew deep down, that he should not be doing this to his body, aware of the consequences, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Maybe after he lost another few pounds.

The car stopped in front of the studio, all the members climbing out. Taeyong breathed in, preparing to stumble out and join his members. As he climbed out, his vision blacked and he fell into Jaehyun’s back, the other turning to catch him and Taeyong just wanted to cry. He was so tired but he couldn't tell anyone what he was doing to himself, they'd just call him weak and conceited. He wanted to go home, or maybe he just wanted to go back to when he could look at himself in the mirror and not throw up a little in his mouth, or to when he actually had energy or to when he actually enjoyed things. Everything was just about numbers. How much he weighed, how many calories eaten, burned off, how wide was his waist, thigh, how much did he weigh. Too much, he bitterly thought.

They piled into the studio, Taeyong already knowing he wouldn't last the night. Perhaps not eating for 4 days wasn't his best idea. His team warmed up and stretched, and when they finally got into practicing their new choreography, Taeyong just could not keep up. He felt like he was swimming, the music there, but barely. He got through maybe 4 or 5 songs before he felt himself kneeling on the floor against his will, every part of his body screaming at him to stand up, and yet nothing would move. His eyes focussed for a moment and he realized Johnny was kneeling in front of him, speaking to him. Taeyong for the life of him couldn't work out was he was saying, and collapsed forward into Johnny's arms. He briefly heard someone mention the dorms, and just closed his eyes, unaware of the chaos surrounding him.

 

It was quiet when he woke up for the second time that day, nothing but the TV to be heard. He tried to push himself out of bed, when he heard a noise of protest and someone's hand gently pushing him back down into the soft covers. Focussing his eyes, Taeyong realized he was face to face with Taeil, Johnny sitting on his bed across the room, holding a pillow in his arms. Taeyong looked from Taeil to Johnny, back to Taeil, and for the first time in a while, he started sobbing. Great, body shaking sobs, that Taeyong wasn't even aware his body could produce such a loud noise. He felt himself being gathered into presumably Taeil’s arms, Johnny quickly crossing from the other side of the room in attempts to calm Taeyong down. The crying went on for a while, Taeyong clearly needing this. As his sobs quietened, Taeyong relaxed into the large hand combing through his brittle hair. 

“I'm sorry,” Taeyong started before Johnny interrupted him. 

“No, no, you've got it all wrong, we're sorry for not helping you sooner, we all knew somethi-”

“I'm sorry for worrying you and for not being able to even look after myself. I'm sorry for being so pathetic.” Taeyong looked down at his hands, for once it clicking with him how frail they looked. 

“Yongie,” Johnny gently turned his friend's head to look at him. “This isn't your fault. Something's wrong, but we're gonna try our hardest to make it better. Please, just please tell us what's wrong. And it isn't nothing,” he added as Taeyong began to shake his head.

“It was only a diet at first, you know, for the comeback. I guess I let it go too far.”

“How much do you weigh?” Taeil asked, quietly, almost afraid.

Taeyong turned his head back to his hands. “Well, when I weighed myself this morning, I was 110lbs.”

Johnny clasped the man to his chest. “Yong, I'm so sorry this happened to you, we're gonna get you some help, I promise.”

“I don't need help, though?” Taeyong questioned. “I'm not that sick.”

“Do you starve yourself?”

A nod.

“Do you have anxiety or bad feelings about when it comes to eating food?”

Another nod.

“Have you ever overworked yourself just because you ate a little more than you feel you should?”

Another nod.

“None of that's normal, Tae. Please just let us help you.”

A nod.

 

No one told Taeyong how hard recovery would actually be. First of, readjusting to food. He had been told by the doctor to eat over 3000 calories a day and refrain from any extreme exercise until he gained some weight. Even if Taeyong wanted to (which he really didn't), he felt full after even the smallest portions, the feeling causing extreme anxiety after feeling empty for so long. Taeyong didn't want the younger members to know, wanting to appear strong to them, not wanting them to know their hyung couldn't even handle a small meal. It took a lot of reminders that he was strong for dealing with an eating disorder and even stronger for trying to overcome it. 

After gaining back some of his weight, Yuta found him staring in the bedroom mirror, pinching his cheek. Yuta walked to the other and wrapped his arms around Taeyong’s no longer concave stomach.

“What you up to, pretty boy?”

Taeyong blushed by quickly returned to staring at himself. “I know it's good that I'm getting better, but it's still weird after spending so long hating yourself for even gaining half a pound. It really is harder than I thought.”

Yuta smiled. “But look, you look so much healthier. No longer a skeleton. It is going to be hard but it will pay off, trust me. You look like Taeyong again.”

Taeyong smiled back. Maybe it will be ok.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we'll be just fine if we stick together

It had been just under a month since that fateful night in the practice room. Taeyong only let a few of the older members know why he truly fainted, just telling the younger members he had just been a little overworked.

As much as Taeyong wished he could be open about his eating disorder to the younger members, he didn't want to thrust that knowledge onto their shoulders. They would be just fine without knowing that their hyung, their leader struggled with one of the most basic human needs - eating. Taeil, Johnny, Yuta, Jaehyun and Doyoung tried their hardest to make sure Taeyong was eating enough, to try and catch if he ever fell back into the dark pit. At first, this had all irritated Taeyong, never feeling as if he was even allowed to be alone, but after a few visits to a therapist and a dietician, he realized it was only for the best.

This didn't make anything easier though, and when the youngest of 127 snuck into his bed one night and asked him a question that shattered his heart, it finally clicked with him how important it was he recovered.

It was easily past midnight when Donghyuck clicked open the door and padded across the room to Taeyong's bed. He gently shook Taeyong awake, murmuring something about how he couldn't sleep as Taeyong lifted the duvet and curled his arm around the younger. Taeyong was confused, as loving as Donghyuck was, normally he want to Johnny or sometimes even Taeil when he couldn't sleep. Only very rarely did he come to Taeyong, all he he could do was hold Donghyuck until he finally spoke.

“Hyung,” he asked timidly. “This might sound really weird, but how did you lose weight so fast? It's just that I kind of feel like I should lose just a little. I'm tired of everyone's comments on me. It doesn't matter if you don't want to help. You can go back to sleep, I'll just Google it. sorry.” He ducked his head so that he couldn't make eye contact with Taeyong, out of breath from how fast he had spoken.

Taeyong simply stared at the top of Donghyuck's head. He could not believe this. He wanted to cry. He wanted to just hold the younger and protect him from the cruel world outside. But most importantly, he wanted to go back in time and completely eradicate his eating disorder from ever developing. He wished he never clicked on that Google search. It was the last thing he wanted Donghyuck to go through.

“Hyuck,” he started, unsure of his words. The younger looked up and Taeyong had to stop himself from flinching. Donghyuck looked so lost, and Taeyong just wanted to guide him. 

“Before I say anything, I need to tell you something.

“I was sick, Donghyuck, quite sick. I'm getting better now, but before I got sick, they were some of my first thoughts. I have an eating disorder, Hyuck.”

“Hyung,” Donghyuck whined, eyes tearing up as he buried himself into Taeyong's chest. And in the moment, none of it was worth it. Yes, the destroying of his own body was no fun, but the sheer sadness in Donghyuck's eyes filled Taeyong to the brim with guilt. 

“Please, Hyuck, don't do that to yourself. I can't let you do that to yourself. I was so tired and faint all the time, and if I didn't get help, it could of killed me. I'm not trying to scare you, Hyuck, but please, just promise me, you won't ever go down that route. You are so much more than a couple of numbers on a scale. You are funny, and caring, and so, so talented. Promise me, Hyuck.” He was crying now too, softly smiling when Donghyuck reached up to wipe his eyes. Taeyong looked up and realized Johnny was awake, watching the two. 

“I promise, hyung, I won't do anything. I'm sorry.”

“Don't apologise, you know now. I love you, Donghyuck.” He tucked the younger back into his chest. “Sleep, now, we have to be up early.”

When Donghyuck's breathing levelled out, Taeyong looked back up to see if Johnny was still awake. He was and they both smiled at each other. 

“You ok, Yong?”

“Yeah, I will be. You go to sleep too, your coffee will only be able to help you so much with less than 5 hours of sleep.”

Johnny snorted lightly. “Love you, Yong, I'm proud of you.”

Taeyong smiled. “I love you too.”

 

The next morning came, and they were thrown, once again, into their busy schedule. From the time Donghyuck woke up to the time they left the dorm, he refused to leave Taeyong's side. Maybe it was to comfort himself that he was there, but he wanted to believe it was to comfort Taeyong. 

The morning flew over, and soon it was lunchtime. After management had been informed about Taeyong's issues with eating, they tried their hardest to make sure there would be a time for the group to as during the day. 

Taeyong wasn't sure why, but at that moment, he couldn't bring himself to eat. He simply twirled the food around on his plate, knowing he needed to eat it, but the corner of his mind was slowly starting to take over the rest of his mind, and he didn't want to. He couldn't.

Donghyuck had been in the toilet when he loudly announced his entrance back into the room. He wiggled himself in between Jaehyun and Taeyong, frowning slightly when he realized none of the food was leaving the plate. Donghyuck nudged Taeyong's shoulder and smiled. Taeyong smiled back, turned back to his food, and ate a small mouthful. Donghyuck would count that as a win. 

They were a team. They had to work together. And together, they would be ok.

**Author's Note:**

> if you've made it this far, thank you for reading. it's currently late so im super sorry for any mistakes but i will come and correct them in the morning. if you are struggling with an ed, please, if you can, please recover. it's a horrible way of living and no one deserves it. i love you guys, stay safe


End file.
